After the birthday party

I'm feeling a little woozy.

The eldest non-stooge had his 12th birthday party today.  To keep me from jumping up on the table to check out the enormous ice-cream cake they got, stooges got me a can of salmon mush.  Oh, it smelled like dead fish and was soooo good.

My belly is distended and now I'm sleepy.

Life  is good.  Sooo good.

Can't a cat get a little privacy?

This morning, I was in the bathroom using the "box," and all of a sudden in bursts non-stooge 1.  She sees me and she screams:  "Ewww!  Brian is going poo!"  And from the other room I hear non-stooge 2 yell "Ewwww!"  Then there's a pause and I hear non-stooge 2 say "I gotta see this," and then the sound of running feet.

Needless to say, I do not evacuate my bowels to provide entertainment for stooge-children, so I jumped out and hid behind my big porcelain drinking dish.  I never did get to poo, and I think now I might be constipated.

Reason Number 253 that I'm going to eat those small non-stooges when I'm big enough.

Working hard

Today I am with Stoogess at work, making sure she doesn't mess anything up.

Here's a photo of me, helping her with some documents.  Now they smell like butt.  Excellent.

Shut the hell up!

Stooge and Stoogess like to talk about "politics." Which means that Stoogess gets all riled up and starts using a lot of four letter words and Stooge plays along.  It goes something like this:

Stoogess:  Did you hear that that fucking idiot Rush Limbaugh called that woman a slut?

Stooge:  What woman?

Stoogess:  You know, that law student who wanted to testify about contraceptives before that Congressional committee.

Stooge:  He did?  Why?

Stoogess:  Because he's a stupid fat fucker who ought to be taken out back and horse whipped.

Stooge:  Huh.

Today this happened while I was trying to take a nap.

Earlier in the morning, I tried to wake up Stooge by putting my mousie on his pillow, but he shoved me off the bed in an unfriendly way.  So I went to small un-stooge's room and bit his toes until he got up and fed me.

It wasn't until I was about to lie down and take a well deserved nap in a patch of sunlight that those lazy stooges got up, shuffled into the livingroom carrying a couple cups of coffee, and started this claptrap.  Who the hell is Rush Limbaugh anyway?  And why is he rushing?  Especially if he is a fat fucker, as Stoogess calls him?

At any rate, here's me.  I'm yelling "shut the hell up," because it was about the stupidest conversation I've ever heard and I wanted to sleep.

In the Shit House

I'm kind of in the shit house today.  I'd say the dog house, but I'm not a slobbering mutt.  I never sink that low.

It started this morning.  I was feeling great.  I ran downstairs and yelled until the Stooge fed me.

Then, the little non-stooges got up and one of the little ones played with me with my mousie.  And I got  excited and scratched her a little bit.  Well, a little more than a little bit.  It only bled a for awhile.

Of course, she had a fit and that made Stoogess unhappy with me.

So I played by myself for awhile.  Which was fun because I discovered I can climb the drapes with my claws and get on the mantel.  And there, there's this old ceramic horse.  Like really old.  A "piece of crap" old," you know?  So I pushed it off and watched it crash to the ground.  And there was Stoogess yelling, "no, no, you stupid damned cat!" and going on and on about how I chipped its ear off and blah blah blah blah.  Geez.  It's ceramic.  It doesn't need an ear.  I can understand if I had chipped off one of the little non-stooge's ears.

So yeah.  Later, when I climbed up on Stoogess's neck while she was working and I slipped and scratched her on the neck, she didn't even pick me up and cuddle with me.  She just put me on the floor.

So I guess I'm in the shit house.  I'll be cute for the rest of the day and stay on the floor.

Hope they don't find out I used the good sofa for a scratching post.

Monkey paw

Hey, Dexter, you remember that story about the monkey paw that grants wishes?  I kind of doubt this is what the story had in mind, but I figured you'd like the picture, anyway.  Maybe just in case, we should make a wish.

Notice the bite marks on Stoogess's foot.  Sometimes love hurts, Dex.

Sometimes Stoogess doesn't suck

I like this pic.  Every time the Stoogess tried to type, I opened my eyes and gave her an irritated look.  She really had to go pee and wanted another cup of coffee.  In this pic, I'm laughing inside.

I have a day job

Went to the office with Stoogess today.

It is my job to hunt box elder bugs while she "works." She says she brings home bacon but that's not what she does.

She's a lawyer. I guess that means she yells at people on the phone all day. And emails people. Probably in all caps.

Frankly, lawyers suck. If she didn't clean my litter box, I would lie on her face while she sleeps and suffocate her. She would probably thank me.

Flower porn

I'm trying my paw at some photography.  Guess why I call this flower porn?

Panda-mouse?

Not sure if this is a panda or if this is a mouse. Whatever it is, it's fucking huge and it make me all rumbly in the tumbly.

Litter and Corporations

Dexter--I understand that humans use the word "litter" to mean trash and "litter" to mean new kitties and "litter" to mean that sandy stuff in my poo box.  I don't know why, since these are different things.

Humans have limited intellect and imagination and probably that's why they can't come up with enough words to describe everything.

On the other paw, humans sometimes use different words to describe the same thing and it gets confusing.  For example, the other day, I heard the stooges saying that sometimes the word "corporations" is used instead of "people."  That seems just a little odd. Why did they even bother with  "people" then?  We could just dispense with the extra word and call everyone corporations. As in, "We, the Corporations of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union. . . ."  Might as well use the bigger word, since no one seems to understand the rest of the words in that paragraph, anyhow.

I don't fetch

For the record:  I don't fetch.

Now, sometimes I just happen to have a mousie and I just happen to lay it down by a stooge.  If that stooge happens to dangle that mousie over my head or throws the mousie I might chase it.  That's because I want my mousie back.  And if I happen to bring that mousie back near the stooge, that's because that's where the mousie ought to be.

It's all very good, but I'm not fetching.  That's a dog game.  And I.  Am not.  A dog.

Cat philosophy

Dexter, I don't know anything about Qatar or Dakar, except Qatar sounds like it's full of cats, so that would be all right with me.  Those are human concerns and therefore beneath my notice.

My philosophy is this:  I am The Cat in the house.  Everyone else is a stooge and placed here to do my bidding.  Maybe I like what the stooges do and maybe I don't.  When I don't like what they're doing, I bite them.  When I like what they are doing, sometimes I bite them anyway.  I always have the upper paw, even though I'm a little kitty, because I never, ever let them know I like them.  Except when they're half asleep and I stick my butt in their faces.  But that's another story.

So, if the stooges started arguing about Qatar (which, by the way sounds made up because what the hell kind of country has a "q" with no "u" after it???) and Dakar, I'd yawn in their faces and then turn and lick my butt.  'Cause hygiene is important.

Dexter, who are these crazy humans you live with anyway?

Hi. I'm Brian.

My name is Brian Shonsi.  I am a cat.  My brother's name is Dexter.  He is a colobus monkey.  You'll be hearing from him soon.

I was "adopted" three weeks ago by a family of five humans.  I call them Stooge, Stoogess, and the three child stooges.  Stooge doesn't like me very much, so I sit on his lap a lot.  Stoogess cleans up my poop and feeds me and pets me and lets me bite her.  The three child stooges are useless to me and I will probably eat them soon.

I will probably grow up to be a jaguar or something, but right now I'm a small cat.  I'm only six months old, so I have a way to go.  In the meantime, I'll be living with the Stooge family, and making my observations about them here.

Tune in every now and then, why don't you?  Purr.  Head bonks.