Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Monkey paw

Hey, Dexter, you remember that story about the monkey paw that grants wishes?  I kind of doubt this is what the story had in mind, but I figured you'd like the picture, anyway.  Maybe just in case, we should make a wish.

Notice the bite marks on Stoogess's foot.  Sometimes love hurts, Dex.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Sometimes Stoogess doesn't suck

I like this pic.  Every time the Stoogess tried to type, I opened my eyes and gave her an irritated look.  She really had to go pee and wanted another cup of coffee.  In this pic, I'm laughing inside.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Brian, I know, man, sometimes I have to go to so-called "Bring your Monkey to Work Day."  But one time another person who works in that clinic brought her animals too, so it wasn't so bad.  We made like we were doing a special operation on an orangutan, called a circumcision.  It's some kinda procedure where they strap you in and make a cut on the private area, I think.  We didn't REALLY do the "circ" (that's the medical jargon) - we were just messing around to get some silly photos!  It's not like the place is a Circus.  Duh!  It'a a big deal University Medical Center.  They don't usually have animals there...BUT on circ day you can usually hear some kind of noise that sounds like lambs bleating...?

I have a day job

Went to the office with Stoogess today.

It is my job to hunt box elder bugs while she "works." She says she brings home bacon but that's not what she does.

She's a lawyer. I guess that means she yells at people on the phone all day. And emails people. Probably in all caps.

Frankly, lawyers suck. If she didn't clean my litter box, I would lie on her face while she sleeps and suffocate her. She would probably thank me.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Flower porn

I'm trying my paw at some photography.  Guess why I call this flower porn?

Who are you wearing?

Brian, who are you wearing?  Guess what.  Don't say "Jean" or "Long John" or something like that.  Duh!  Today is the day when you say WHO designed what you're wearing?  Like say - Today I'm wearing Paul Frank...(and man, is he heavy!).  BTW, Paul Frank is my friend.

I don't think you have a diamond collar (yet), and I hear ya when you say you don't want a F*** collar.  But guess what, Brian.  I just heard about the Golden Collar Awards for Animal movie stars!  Since you are a REAL live cat, you should get in a movie and then win a GOLDEN COLLAR!  Duh!  When they give it to you, make sure to find out who designed it.  Then, for example, you could say like: "I'm wearing Doug Dunn, the famous Goldsmith on Whidbey, darling."  What kind of movie should you be in?  This is an idea we could have lots of fun thinking about, know what I'm sayin'?

The last movie I saw in a movie theater was "Return of the Planet of the Apes" - and that was about a year ago!  I also went to "Chimps in Space" and "Mighty Joe Young" quite a long time ago.  Today I'm going to see "Hugo."  Guess what, there's a dog in that one too.  I didn't get to go to the theater to see "The Artist," but I know that dog, Uggy, was the main star of that film.  Also I wanna see the horse movie too.  I don't know if the horse were to win Best Animal Actor whether they would give him a golden collar...or maybe he'd get golden reins... Hey, that sounds like golden rain, you know like drops of gold, like a golden shower.  That's what a horse might get.  If they awarded him a small pet-sized collar, he might get pissed OFF.  Then they'd have to say: "Whoa whoa, don't stirrup so much drama!"

I'm gonna get popcorn too. (But I always bring my own pop - that's the way I roll.  Don't tell anyone, man.)

Saturday, February 25, 2012


Not sure if this is a panda or if this is a mouse. Whatever it is, it's fucking huge and it make me all rumbly in the tumbly.
Brian, haven't you seen all these bumberstickers and signs that say: "SUPPORT OUR VETS"??
You must really have some balls to criticize the all Vets out there, when apparently everyone else seems to be on their side!  I am confident that I have balls too; I'm just waiting for them to pop out.  I keep checking all the time!  

As for the political stuff on TV, if some candidates don't want humans to have birth control it's probably because they LOVE it when babies are born to women who don't want babies and maybe can't afford babies.  That way the government gets to pay more even money for prenatal care and births, and then maybe even more money for welfare, too.  That is what they LOVE to do.  It's obvious.  You just aren't using logical thinking, Brian.  Duh!  They want more government spending for babies born into poverty, and then that might contribute to even more poverty in the future...BUT those reluctant mothers should not be spending their welfare dollars on catfood and cat litter and other cat expenses, like say a collar with diamonds in it.  There are too many welfare moms buying diamond cat collars with other people's tax dollars.  I'm not exactly sure about this part, but that must be the reason because I can't think of any other rationale, along these lines, right now.  So it must be true.

Regarding Santorum, I live in Seattle and we have heard about "santorum" long before the rest of the country even knew what this word meant.  We have a cool weekly newspaper called "The Stranger" here, and the guy who runs it is kinda famous - it gets better - he wrote that "santorum" means like stuff that comes out of your butt.  As a monkey, that caught my attention.  Maybe he was trying to get more monkeys to read "The Stranger."

Friday, February 24, 2012

Chasin' Tail and Contraception

Humans are such hypocrites.

About a month ago, they took me to the "vet" (a euphemism for "animal-hating sadist").  When I left, I was half the tom-cat I used to be.  If you know what I mean.  I mean, I can sing the high notes in the boys' choir now.

I was pretty irritated by these developments.  I'm only six months old--I haven't had the chance to even test the guys out and bam! they're gone.  The idiot who did this to me tried to explain that there are too many cats in the world.  A lot are unwanted and they don't have anyone to live with and they get sick and die.  So humans have a policy of making sure cats don't get it on with one another and make little kitties anymore.

I could go on all day about why that makes me want to puke up a hairball.

But here's the worst thing.  The other day, I was watching TV, and there was this guy named Santorum on (and does anyone else think his name sounds like the name of some kind of lubricant?).  He was saying that the government shouldn't make sure women have access to birth control.  Whaaa?

Wait a minute!  Human access to contraception should be limited, but you take your kitties in to get them snipped because why?  Cat overpopulation is bad but human overpopulation isn't?  Last time I saw, cats weren't polluting the environment, creating trash, causing global warming, covering our planet with methane-producing beef cattle, or making war.

I have some candidates for mandatory scrotal removal surgery, and they ain't cats.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Brian, guess what.  I can tell you are very "litterate."  Do you have a dictionary?  Guess what!  I found out a bitch means a lady dog!  Duh!  Are you chasing any bitches' tails in your neighborhood? 

I think a corporation is a body.  Like a corpse, man.  Maybe like a zombie...?

Litter and Corporations

Dexter--I understand that humans use the word "litter" to mean trash and "litter" to mean new kitties and "litter" to mean that sandy stuff in my poo box.  I don't know why, since these are different things.

Humans have limited intellect and imagination and probably that's why they can't come up with enough words to describe everything.

On the other paw, humans sometimes use different words to describe the same thing and it gets confusing.  For example, the other day, I heard the stooges saying that sometimes the word "corporations" is used instead of "people."  That seems just a little odd. Why did they even bother with  "people" then?  We could just dispense with the extra word and call everyone corporations. As in, "We, the Corporations of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union. . . ."  Might as well use the bigger word, since no one seems to understand the rest of the words in that paragraph, anyhow.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Umm, Brian, guess what.  You look very fetching in your photo. 

What do you think of the word "litter?"  I thought it meant garbage blowing around on the street.  But it's also a word for some kind of sand that cats poop in - AND, guess what, it also means a bunch of kittens when cats have babies!  Your people brought you home because you were the pick of the litter, right?  Is that why most cats NATURALLY have an attitude that they are "hot shit?"  NOT that it's a bad thing...monkeys aren't adverse to whatever might be the "pick" of the "litter."

I don't fetch

For the record:  I don't fetch.

Now, sometimes I just happen to have a mousie and I just happen to lay it down by a stooge.  If that stooge happens to dangle that mousie over my head or throws the mousie I might chase it.  That's because I want my mousie back.  And if I happen to bring that mousie back near the stooge, that's because that's where the mousie ought to be.

It's all very good, but I'm not fetching.  That's a dog game.  And I.  Am not.  A dog.

Monday, February 20, 2012

My mom lives on Mount Kilimanjaro

Brian, guess what.  My mom lives on Mount Kilimanjaro.  Sometimes I like to listen to her voice.  She is an audio recording artist for the Honolulu Zoo.  If you go to this webpage you can click on the audio link and you can hear her saying: "Oh, my little Dexter, how are you doing?  I love you so much."

Cats are graceful

Cats are graceful and powerful.  Really.

Except when stooges put sheers in the windows.  I mean, what the hell???

I keep forgetting they're there, and then I try to jump up on the window ledge and hit the sheers and slide off in a heap on the floor.

All you can do then is to act like you meant to do that.  You know, I kind of nonchalantly inspect my tail or bat at a dust mote until I can tell if the stooges are laughing at me.  I take note of when the stooges laugh.  When they do, I find a black sweater and shed on it.

One day I was sitting by the window watching those stupid birds flitting around outside and thinking about how their little birdy skulls would crunch between my teeth and I sneezed and hit my face on the window and fell off the ledge.  When I got up, Stoogess was pointing and laughing.  So I got up on her lap and farted on her.  Hahaha.  Meoooow.

Cats are graceful.  Just not sometimes.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Where the U's went

Brian, regarding the Q's: I believe the history is that the British colonized the area and and stole all the U's to insert them into words such as harbour and colour, etc. - and that's why there aren't any U's left for Arab words such as "Qatar" or "al qaeda," for example.  I think all the U's are on display in the British MUseUm.  But I could be wrong.  Perhaps some U's are still hanging around your home to provide your humans with cat Urine. As in: Urine a lot of trouble 'cause U P'd on the bed?
(Oh, by the way, when I say "colonized the area" I don't mean ;   it's : all the way.)

Cat philosophy

Dexter, I don't know anything about Qatar or Dakar, except Qatar sounds like it's full of cats, so that would be all right with me.  Those are human concerns and therefore beneath my notice.

My philosophy is this:  I am The Cat in the house.  Everyone else is a stooge and placed here to do my bidding.  Maybe I like what the stooges do and maybe I don't.  When I don't like what they're doing, I bite them.  When I like what they are doing, sometimes I bite them anyway.  I always have the upper paw, even though I'm a little kitty, because I never, ever let them know I like them.  Except when they're half asleep and I stick my butt in their faces.  But that's another story.

So, if the stooges started arguing about Qatar (which, by the way sounds made up because what the hell kind of country has a "q" with no "u" after it???) and Dakar, I'd yawn in their faces and then turn and lick my butt.  'Cause hygiene is important.

Dexter, who are these crazy humans you live with anyway?

Dexter's First Post

Brian, I'm just a monkey, man.  Clue me in.  I had figure to out all on my own that the picture of a pencil was what you need to write, duh!  I don't even own a pencil!  But I'm sure I will need to get an eraser.  What do I click now?  Oh, duh, it's probably the box that says "publish." 
So I was wondering how you handle things like this in your household:  Say for instance you are lounging around on a Sunday morning listening to the radio (MPR or CPR), and your humans hear a radio story and one of them thinks it's about Dakar and the other one thinks it's about Qatar.  And they start talking to each other like they are insane and they aren't even on the same map or planet.  What would you do?

Hi. I'm Brian.

My name is Brian Shonsi.  I am a cat.  My brother's name is Dexter.  He is a colobus monkey.  You'll be hearing from him soon.

I was "adopted" three weeks ago by a family of five humans.  I call them Stooge, Stoogess, and the three child stooges.  Stooge doesn't like me very much, so I sit on his lap a lot.  Stoogess cleans up my poop and feeds me and pets me and lets me bite her.  The three child stooges are useless to me and I will probably eat them soon.

I will probably grow up to be a jaguar or something, but right now I'm a small cat.  I'm only six months old, so I have a way to go.  In the meantime, I'll be living with the Stooge family, and making my observations about them here.

Tune in every now and then, why don't you?  Purr.  Head bonks.